My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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