before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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