I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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