if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
