i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
