i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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