Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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