i already hear my dad disowning me
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I don't deserve a penis
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
