He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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