I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
