Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
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