I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
