I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
