If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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