i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Randomize
