I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
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