and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Of course I have a pirate flag
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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