I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
