I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Holy sore nipples Batman
I made him laugh his dick is mine
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
