your thong is hanging out like whoa
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
