Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
