i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
