I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
