My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
