Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize
