Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I just found a bag of teeth...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Randomize
