I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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