I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
