i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize