Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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