I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
