found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize