It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
jump out the window naked night went bad
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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