I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
