Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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