she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
