1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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