Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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