if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
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