he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
