I just threw up on my dentist
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Randomize
