question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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