My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
