Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
