I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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