I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
