I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
