I'm going to jail i love you
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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