What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
