so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize