It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
