my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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