I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Randomize
