I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
