It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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