I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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