ya dads aren't the best wingmen
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
