you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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