oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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