My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
