I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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